why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
