i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
