i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
