mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
