New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
