dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
