Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
