You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
