what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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