It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
