WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
