my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
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I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
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You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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