Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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