Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Watching her eat just hurts me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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