i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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