i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
