why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
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god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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