My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
