Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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