My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
