What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
