my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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