If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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