Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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