Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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