I think my vagina is haunted
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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