She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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