i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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