Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
