I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
