Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
no, he came in my armpit
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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