ya dads aren't the best wingmen
id be glad to
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
