When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone came in the potted fern
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
