I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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