Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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