goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
