hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
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Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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