why im i the only drunk person in the library?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
