Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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