I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
