you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
