i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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