I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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