i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
