I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
