dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
