I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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