just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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