I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Did I show you my penis last night?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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