Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
