he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
