I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
