Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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