I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
