I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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