Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i barfeds in our rink
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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