There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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