dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
