I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
